GREAT songs from 1986.

Okay, so 1986 baby!

For our first video, on our stroll down memory lane, I give you a classic hit from 1986. Unless you were living under a bridge in 1986, you couldn’t get away from this song, and honestly I love it. Her name is Janet, Ms. Jackson if your nasty. This video to me is great, it’s a little bit cheese, and a little bit nasty, and there’s even a little crazy thrown in there, a’ la a cameo by Paula Abdul.

“Nasty”, is a great song off the album “Control” by Janet Jackson.  This video is great, and it teaches us so much. For example, when in a movie theater and some dude is harassing you, the best way to make it clear that his advances are unwelcome is to jump up and start singing and dancing. You may not realize it now, but this will invariably come in handy in life at some point. A case COULD be made that these men in the movie theater were so attracted to Ms. Jackson and her super sexy shoulder pads, that they couldn’t help themselves, but not to worry, Ms. Jackson puts them in their place.

Also, Ms. Jackson makes it known that she will not stand for nasty girls, or nasty food. A good way to live if you ask me. She does however, like a nasty groove, which I think we can all get behind. Am I right? Perhaps most importantly, she lets us in on a well-kept secret, and that is that nasty boys never change. I think many of us have forgotten this important lesson. Lot’s of wisdom here from a young Ms. Jackson, such a shame that in 1986, we had no idea yet, just how wise she was.

My next selection is a very recognizable song from 1986. West End Girls by the Pet Shop Boys was a pretty hot song back then, and peaked at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the US. This is a great song, and the video really stands up pretty well for being close to 25 years old. But can I just say thank Jebus that the 80′s are over and people don’t use those terrible video filters and effects anymore?! Thankfully they are only peppered into this video. Really they are as bad as a star wipe to black. Which I am sure we will see as we take future trips down music video memory lane. Not to worry I will point them out.

Now here is a song you may recognize or remember, but maybe you didn’t have the tape, or record. Baltimora released the song “Tarzan boy” to some success in the US. The song peaked at number 13 on the Billboard Hot 100.

The video gives us a possible clue as why they were one hit wonders. So we start the video with a bunch of shitty imagery, then we go into this dude actually dancing himself out of frame. I can handle it so far, but then we get to this 80′s split screen bullshit and for me this is the beginning of the end. The splitting the screen into more than one screen with the same shit on it is right up there with the star wipe for me. For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about..

A Tribute to Star Wipes:

Anyway, back to Tarzan Boy. I gotta be honest, the lead singer guy is kinda freaky. Also I liked this song way more before I saw the video. So if that happened to you as well I apologize for ruining it for you, but the truth just has to be told sometimes. Additionally the song lyrics don’t make a hell of a lot of sense, but that’s not terribly important.

Lastly, I give you a classic that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day, Word up, by Cameo. You’re Welcome. Oh, and yeah that is LeVar Burton in the video.

Perhaps I was unaware, but were codpieces really “in” back in 1986? If they were all I can say is.. Damn, that is crazy. If they weren’t then you have to hand it to the dude in Cameo who was full on sporting a red cod piece through out this whole video. Also on a random note, is it me or do all the women in the video look completely strung out? I’m just saying. Well maybe not the one dancing in the cell, but clearly she is the exception.

More gems of the video music age coming soon!

Little know fact about me…

I love me some music. All kinds of music really, almost any kind you can think of there is something I am familiar with and really like, some little subsection somewhere (yeah even country music.. shut up). I am sure the love of music was instilled in me by my Mother, which I am officially thanking her for here (Thanks mom!). I can remember being really young like 4 and we would be in the car, some song would come on the radio, and without fail she would ask “who sings this”?

Now at 4, sometimes you get it right, and sometimes you don’t, but I got better and better as the years went on, and knowing this mostly useless information became almost second nature to me. Somehow I really developed an affinity for the “one hit wonders” of the 80′s and 90′s. It’s really kind of sad how much useless knowledge is stuffed up there in my brain, and while it is full of these gems, very little else can get in. I am afraid I am going to forget how to drive or something one of these days because I am trying to stuff new shit in. I’ll keep you all posted on that.

So, as I am sitting here listening to some classics “one hit wonders” and other music I like online tonight, I thought “wow, I should do like a whole blog series on this”.  And you know, that’s what I am going to do. I have been quite uninspired as of late, so I have decided to take action. Specifically, by not watching the news anymore. It’s too effing depressing, and it fills my head with anger, bitterness, and many other unpleasant things that I just don’t want in there.

So, see you later Rachel Maddow, I love ya, but damn girl you’re bringing me down. Keith Oberman, I love watching your hair turn whiter and whiter every day, and you always have such nice ties, but bro I can’t hang anymore.

We’re gonna talk about fun things, yeah the world sucks, and it’s getting worse, and crazies still roam the Earth, but you know what.. It’s going to be a lot easier to deal with it all when you watch some old school videos. And some new ones that maybe you’ll like, and some older ones that maybe you’ve never heard of before. That will make the oil spills easier to swallow!

May as well start off with a fun one from the 1990′s which will become immediately evident by the clothes in the music video. If you remember this song let me know in the comments. If you never heard it before or don’t remember it let me know what you think.

AHHH 1992 baby, what a year.  I remember this song on the radio once in a while, and on MTV every now and again (for you kids that don’t know MTV used to play music videos.. for real).  I always thought the song was a little catchy, but was never surprised that Positive K, (if that is indeed his real name) couldn’t follow it up with another hit.

Okay kids, gotta go find more fun videos for new posts. Peace Out.

Let’s wave goodbye to…

Phone books.  Goodbye phone books. Unfortunately you are not disappearing fast enough. Really, anytime now you can just be gone, and when we speak of you to future generations, they will laugh with disbelief of your actual existence.

I mean imagine it, you are sitting around your sonic fireplace with your great grandchildren, and they turn off their nanomachines long enough for Granny or Pappy to tell them a story of their youth.  First you tell them about what phones were, and after they get a hold of that, then you tell them fondly of how hard it was to get a hold of someone. You actually had to pull out a fucking encyclopedia sized book, to look up a number, that was associated with the person. Then you had to dial the phone yourself, possibly even a rotary phone. Imagine how useful their automatic waste removal systems will be when they poop themselves in disbelief.

Now as it is today, I can still see a very small production of phone books being useful. I have worked in stores that are not hooked up to the outside internet, and therefore not able to look up phone numbers on the web. But, there are still other options for getting a phone number, Directory Assistance, Google Text, Directory Apps, calling a friend who is sitting in front of a computer for 18 hours a day, but these are not always available. So very occasionally they are still useful.

But they are a hideous waste of paper for all of us who do not use them, and they are still delivered to us at least once (I think more like twice) a year! Who the hell wants these things? And who the hell wants to have to deliver this 8 pound albatross! They are a total pain in the ass, because you get them and they sit there forever, if you live in an appartment like me:

You get them, bring them in the house and throw them away, or you can look around for one of those recycle your phone book things that I can never seem to find. The only person on earth who still want these things is this guy:

But for real, how wasteful is this entire process? How many trees and resources are we using to keep producing these things in huge amounts? I suggest this to you Yellowpages, and every other company still making them, please set up a phone number to call to either: A. Take yourself off the distribution list, or B. Sign up to be on a new distribution list.

B. Is the better option. Here’s how I see it working. Instead of constantly producing these huge wastes of paper (and space!) we try a new method. It is an opt in method, so now we call a number if we want one, and they produce it and then send it out to us. That way hundreds of thousands of useless phone books are not produced just to be thrown away.

I realize this may affect the cost of said phone books as I imagine that they are funded mainly by advertisement space sold in them. But honestly do people still think buying advertising space in a phone book is that worthwhile? I mean maybe in some cities it is, (best guess somewhere in Arkansas, that’s always my “I don’t know shit about Arkansas so I guess it is possible there” random guess), but here in Pittsburgh it is a joke.

I am sure that the Mom and Pop operations that once got a ton of business from an advertisement in a phone book have realized that this is not having the impact on business it once did. You know back in the 50′s when advertising in the phone book was the Holy Grail?  Like you’re advertising in the phone book… game over dude, you win.

Cause back in the 50′s people would go to the phone book looking for a taxidermy service not knowing of any of them. You have an advertisement in there for Smilin’ Bob’s Taxidermy and Animal Husbandry Service. You are awesome, you win their business, game over. Now get to work on stuffing Sparky so you can pay for next year’s advertisement. Television and the internet have changed this completely.

We need to get rid of these dinosaurs, and I think the best plan is that if you want a phone book,  you have to opt in, and pay for it. How much could it cost? They could probably add it to your Home Phone Bill, if you have one of them. Which is another item we can wave good bye to in another post.

Port Authority Outrage!

The following is a letter written by my friend. I feel he has a very valid point, and wanted to share it with all people interested.

The following was emailed to Port Authority Employees Stephen Bland, Dennis Parrish, Mike Bown, and Wendy Stern, and a copy was also sent to Dan Onorato on May 13, 2010. To date, I still have not received a response from anybody at the Port Authority of Allegheny County, nor Dan Onorato. I sent this preceding the Primary Election which is referenced in the article, but it is not too late to inform people before the November Election for Governor.

To Whom It May Concern:

Which is probably a poor way to open this, because I am not sure any one of you actually gives a damn. I am writing concerning the new changes to the 56C and overall services to McKeesport and its nearby communities. I want to open by stating that the new 56C schedule is not acceptable. It is bad enough you need to make cuts due to the financial status your organization is in due to the lack of proper management on behalf of its representatives.

The new schedule provides for service at 30 minute intervals during peak commute times. Now that the P7 is over crowded and cannot provide efficient service, some of us were forced to migrate to the 56C for refuge. The 56C has many riders, so I am not sure where you want us to migrate to next. However, the fact that the 56C and the P7 will be departing McKeesport on 30 minute intervals merely 2 minutes apart is, for a lack of better words, STUPID! The intelligent thing to do would have been to alter the schedule so that there is a bus showing up every 15 minutes to get people to Downtown Pittsburgh. Why is it, we the riders have to think of these ideas, and we are not the ones being paid to do it? We are PAYING YOU to do this. Furthermore, leaving downtown Pittsburgh, you do not have a 56C (or “56 Lincoln Place” since you felt the need to eliminate “McKeesport” from the name which is insulting on a completely different level) leaving until 5:33 to service people who are finished working at 5:00. The 5:03 bus is too early to accomplish this. It is my feeling that the Port Authority should adjust its schedule due to demand of its riders, not the other way around. I also want to point out that the 5:15 56C never showed up last night leaving us all to pack into the 5:35 unit and the unit had to refuse service to riders because it was too full to accommodate them. Is this the method you plan on using when you cut service to every 30 minutes? To leave us standing there because you cannot fit us on the bus? We are talking about transportation to and from the second largest city in Allegheny County just in case you are unsure of where McKeesport is or in the instance that you failed to do your research.

In addition to this, since you made cuts to the local communities surrounding McKeesport, you have left some of us no choice but to Park and Ride. This being the case, you need to find a way to get more parking spaces in McKeesport. This morning the lot was full at 6:50 meaning I had to find somewhere else to park. It is bad enough that I need to Park and Ride, but now I need to go and check a few different Park and Rides in order to find a space to park, wasting my time, my gas, and missing buses in the process. I am not even going to propose how you can find more parking, as this is your job. There is plenty of unutilized space in McKeesport, but you need to work with the local government and make use of it.

Furthermore, it is still unclear as to why we, the taxpayers and users of this service, should be punished due to the misallocation and gross misappropriation of funds supplied to you. I have researched the public transportation of other cities as well, and it has occurred to me that we are paying quite a premium price for piss poor service. We have units of service that just never show up with no explanation as to why. When we write you about these things, we never hear back from you unless we constantly follow up and practically beg you for a response. This is deplorable.

We pay more to use this system than do the residents of Philadelphia and Washington D.C. do to use theirs. If you told the residents of Washington D.C. that you were cutting their Metro service to one train every 30 minutes during peak times, and trains just failed to show up randomly, but often, it is safe to say there would be a massacre. Why then is this OK for the residents of the Greater Pittsburgh area? You want to attract more riders to use the system, yet you are not making it viable for them to use.

I am writing this and copying Dan Onorato in hopes that he can help you come up with a viable solution to these issues since he is in charge of overseeing the operations of your organization. I will make it clear that if he wants my vote, as well as the votes of many others in the McKeesport/Mon Valley regions for governor next Tuesday, that he better get cracking or he will not be getting them. I am leaving this in his hands and the hands of your organization. I expect a response back in a timely fashion without having to write back several more times begging for it. If I do not receive the same, I will make sure I write about this to the editors of the Post Gazette, The Tribune Review, the McKeesport Daily News, and the Valley Independent to start. It is time the residents of our communities and the entire region know that I and many others have written and spoken to no avail.

Very Displeased and Severely Aggravated,

(My Anonymous Friend)

The Real L Word. Really?

Another reality show to look forward to right? Well, I don’t really think so. Besides the fact that we know I am not the largest supporter of reality television, I feel especially unhappy about this one.

For the many people who don’t know what the hell I am talking about, The L Word, was a drama series on Showtime. The show centered around a group of Lesbians who were friends and how their lives intertwined their friendship, relationships etc. It was actually a pretty good show, but in the last few seasons I feel that it jumped the shark. (If you don’t know what Jumped the Shark is, it refers to the episode that The Fonz literally jumped over a shark on his motorcycle. Google both, its lots of fun.)

The L Word followed in the success of Queer as Folk on Showtime, which was also a hugely successful program for Showtime and really helped them stand out in the pay tv market. Showtime really worked to gain a GLBT following of their channel. This started with Queer as Folk, and they would also throw in a lead in cartoon sometimes called Queer Duck (which is really funny check it out). Also for a while on a certain night each month they would do what they called Queer night out, which usually consisted of an episode of Queer duck and a GLBT movie. Now this was actually pretty cool, as it was not terribly easy to see gay cinema in years past, it is getting more mainstream but still back in the day, not easy.

They did a good job of getting their following and as long as the programming is good the community will stay loyal. That being said, right now Showtime does not have any gay programming. Queer as Folk has been off for years, and The L word ended as well. So besides the random gay characters they have on various other shows they have on the air right now, nothing. So what to do?! We have to act fast before people drop the channel! We could always shit out a Reality Show. OH YEAH LET’S DO THAT!

Every time I see the commercial for this “The Real L Word” I feel like I can feel the desperation emanating from the television screen. I have many problems with this show and it hasn’t even premiered yet.

First, dude, Showtime, C’mon! I realize these are desperate times, and now you have shot your wad with Queer as Folk, and Lesbian Queer as folk, but you gotta do better than a freaking reality series. Plus honestly, a reality series about gay men might be way more entertaining than the lesbians! I mean I’m not sure, but really, I can’t imaging these chicks aren’t going to be constantly surrounded by bull shit and drama. Which is entertaining for a minute, but after a while is hardly believable and exasperating.

Second, as one of the loyal fans of The L word, and one of the fans that the show disappointed with a LAME ass ending, and a less than awesome last few seasons, I am shocked, appalled and horrified that you would want to associate a new reality show with the other fictional show. I mean, you are in essence naming this reality series the same thing as the old show. Do you not feel that this may bring up some of the negative memories and connotations of the original L Word? Or are you concerned that if you named it something else, not everyone would immediately know there are lesbians on tv? I mean who are you making this show for? Are you making it for the Glbt community, or are you making it hoping that it will gain a major straight men following while dressing it up as a show for the GLBT community?

I am sure people asked the same question when The L word came out, but that show was actually written well, and I am sure attracted viewers from all kinds of demographics. But I feel like this new show the Real word, I don’t know, I smell a rat somewhere. That’s the only way I can articulate it.

Third, I am officially calling shenanigans on the fact that it is a reality show. Develop a good show, cause I am out on the reality series. I havent decided if I am going to watch an episode or two of it yet, so feel free dear readers to tell me what you think. But I have to warn you all that if I watch it, and it is really bad, we will revisit this topic, so I can call additional shenanigans.

As a whole, I think the whole damned thing is a bad idea. But what the hell do I know? This new Reality Show mindless Pavlom, will probably be a smash hit, between the Lesbians and the Straight guys who won’t be able to tear themselves away from the sexy drama, that will surely make up The Real L Word.

Random item that WILL make you laugh

Oh how the stars have aligned..

Oh, what a terrible position we, the die-hard Pittsburgh Penguins fans are in. We find ourselves in a position of who do I personally hate more. Specifically, I am talking about the Stanley Cup Finals between the Chicago Blackhawks, and the Philadelphia Flyers.

Rule number one of being a Penguins fan, you must hate with every fiber of your being the Philadelphia Flyers, and let me just say the Flyers do not make it hard for us to do that. I mean biting, Hartnell? Really? But anyway, the Flyers have made it to the Stanley Cup finals, how they made it I don’t know, but they did, and I must not root for them. But..

Rule number one of being a Pittsburgher, is if someone talks shit on the Burgh, or slights the Burgh, you must hate them for ever and ever and ever, and I mean really hate. Hate like really having to think about hitting the brakes if you are barreling down the road and Sienna Miller is standing in your path.

So you hate the Flyers as a team, not necessarily hating any one member of the team (although,..Hartnell) and not wishing particular harm on them, but as a whole.. hate them. Persons who have wronged THE BURGH, real personalized hate, got it?

Okay, so here is the problem. While I have no hatred for the Chicago Blackhawks, and actually love the city of Chicago, they have one person on their team that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to root for them, MARIAN HOSSA. As we all know Marian Hossa has personally wronged, and talked shit on the Burgh, and this is of course completely unforgivable. So now I find myself in a quandary, I have to root for one, so whom shall it be? How can I justify as a Pittsburgher, and a Penguins fan rooting for either of these teams? And why must the universe put me in such a position?

Well, I feel like some one who has personally wronged the Burgh trumps a team rivalry, so I have opted to root for the Philadelphia Flyers. With the understanding that I want Marian Hossa destroyed personally. So far Hossa has pulled the following shit: 2 years ago, he played with the Penguins to win a cup, they didn’t win, so he went to Detroit to play with the Red Wings to win the cup. Last year the Penguins won the cup, so Hossa did not win a cup with Detroit, so in order to try to win the cup this year he has gone to Chicago to play with the Blackhawks. If he doesn’t win with them this year, I am hoping he will become a curse. So please Philly, I never ask you for anything, please destroy this douche bag fool, and make him a curse.  That would make me so happy that I feel like we could be friends for a minute, probably during the off-season.

Let me tell you another person who is walking down the path to eternal hatred by all Pittsburghers, Ben Roethlisberger. He’s definitely got a front row ticket on my bus to the sun, but that’s a whole different story. We’ll crack that open in another post.

So, even though it pains me to my soul to say it,

Go Flyers! Beat Hossa!

What I saw in my FlashForward…

Well damn, another one of my shows has been officially cancelled. FlashForward has been shit canned, which sucks for me cause I was pretty into the show. This is not the first time one of the tv shows I watch has been cancelled, sometimes it is understandable, and sometimes you can see it coming a mile away. FlashForward specifically, I kind of saw coming. Mainly because ABC screwed with the show from the get-go, and it was destined to fail because of it. But the networks have burned me before I tell you. Let me tell you the story of a little show called “Vanished”.

Vanished, was a Drama/Mystery/Thriller on Fox back in 2006. It was an interesting little kidnapping show, in that people are trying to find out who kidnapped a lady and get her back, and catch the kidnappers. So everything was cool until episode 9 when they killed the main character for some bat shit crazy reason. Episode 10 airs people realize that they really did kill him off and it wasn’t a dream, nor is he coming back. Then, Fox yanks it, mid-season, episode 11, 12, and 13 never aired. After much bitching on the part of the fans, Fox agrees to for a short period of time put the last 3 episodes on their website for fans to watch. Mid season, 3 episodes left, never going to air them, that’s BRUTAL.

What sucks the most about FlashForward getting cancelled is that this is yet another show that for me will have no ending. I hate it so much when Networks do this, you get all into the story, characters and the show, you hang on with the plot try to figure out whats happening and whats going on, and then BAM, cancelled. Now you are never going to know how it ends, or the answers to all the questions. Not being a fan of the show Lost, I can only imagine how those folks feel. But at least they got some answers over the years, FlashForward lasted one season. Which really felt like two because it took like a 6 month hiatus in the middle of the first season, brilliant planning on that one ABC.

The show had a pretty cool premise, and it was nice to not see another Medical Drama, Crime Drama, or Reality Show. Because let me tell you, (to all the tv exec’s that are totally reading my blog daily) Medical Dramas are way too plentiful, and I for one have been ruined for Medical Dramas because of ER. I watched ER  for all 15 years it was on. Now let me polarize that statement by telling you I am 30 years old. I watched ER for HALF MY LIFE, and it was a great show. So you’re not going to replace that show for me, I am over Hospital Dramas. Now I know other people love them and all that, so keep making them, but make them good and make them in fewer numbers. Though truth be told, I love me some Nurse Jackie but the description of that is a Dramedy, so I am still technically telling the truth.

Crime Dramas.. Meh. You know what used to be cool about Crime Dramas? They used to have characters that you would care about, and the show would be more about the characters than what crime they were solving. Somehow, somewhere this got switched to the show being almost all about the crime part of the story, and the actors story is superfluous to the show. So that if you miss an entire season, or a few weeks or what have you it doesn’t matter at all, you’re really not missing a beat. That sucks and that is not what I am looking for. If all I care about is the crime aspect of the story, then I will go watch anything Bill Curtis is narrating or something on the ID channel.

Reality Shows make me cringe. I mean its funny to me that they are as popular as they are. When the Writer’s strike happened a few years back, we knew it was coming. I read something funny at one point a few years back, saying something to the effect of, you better like game shows and reality shows or go ahead and sell your tv now. I mean it was no secret that game shows and reality shows are cheap and easy to produce, and no one writes them so get ready to see shit tons of them. But whats surprising to me is that people love them still. I mean what Reality Show can they put on tv that you haven’t already seen at this point? So why are we still entertained by this? I don’t know, I guess some of them are okay, but as a whole I am not a fan.

Ok, here’s my point, network television sucks, as I scroll through my DVR settings I realize more and more I am getting away from network television. Mainly because their programming isn’t competing for my attention the way it used to. Cable networks and Premium channels have way better content, and can afford to pay more for the programming they produce. Plus, it is really starting to seem like actors and actresses are beginning to gravitate more to Cable and Premium channel programing, probably for a million different reasons, but I think because overall the shows are better.

The networks just keep shooting themselves in the foot. The whole Conan/Leno thing this year, the news affiliates screaming their heads off about it, but their worst problem is that they are training the public to wait out the shows at this point. What I mean by that is, it looks more and more like it’s not worth getting into a show until it has a season or two under its belt. You can actually afford to do that these days with Netflix, On Demand, and Hulu, it’s not terribly hard to watch a few seasons of a show so that you can get into a show well after it started.

So now it’s not worth investing the time in getting into a show in its first season. How are the networks going to change this public perception? I don’t see it happening, all I see is crappy programming in a revolving door getting regurgitated over and over again. In the spirit of the show I will tell you what I saw in my FlashForward… More reality shows that make me want to shove crayons into my brain to make myself stupid, a la Homer Simpson.

Holy Crap do some Doctors Offices SUCK!

Think twice my friends, think twice before you offer to be the nice friend who accompanies  someone to the Doctors office. Maybe it was always this way, but I don’t remember it always being this bad. I mean everyone has had a bad experience at the Doc’s Office or two, and I myself have had many. But my trip yesterday with my good friend has taught me another lesson I will not soon forget. So severe the lesson, I made a mental note at one point of my more than FIVE HOURS in the waiting room, to move far away before my parents start to require these kinds of long ass Doctors Visits. Because I do not want to get sucked into this kind of time suck vortex again.

I mean shit, I even came prepared, I brought a text-book for a class I am working on and thought, there’s no way I will even get done what I am supposed to, so I won’t need anything else. PFFT! I must’ve been smoking crack to even think that. Now, in no way was this visit to the Doctor supposed to be a quick in and out thing, I knew that going in. But hot damn! Seriously more than 5 hours was completely unnecessary, and at one point the place was freaking packed, every seat was taken, and people were standing. Now, also you should know, this was not some strip mall Doctors Office, this was at the HOSPITAL. One of the UPMC hospitals to be more specific. And I am not even knocking UPMC, that is so not the point, I am not even knocking the Doctors Office. I am telling you this as a cautionary tale my friends.

If you feel compelled to be nice, then please be prepared for the life sucking vacuum you are walking into. If you do not feel compelled to be the nice friend, then you are better off! Go with plan B.

I hate you cell phone Voicemail.

I am convinced that Voicemail (on a cell phone) was sent here only to enrage me. I hate it, and I promise you that if there was a way I could turn the damned thing off, I so would, and my life would improve greatly. I think that I have learned to hate Voicemail mainly because so many people are too stupid to use it correctly.

Stupid person misuse number one: “Hi this is (insert name here), call me back”.

Ok, so you called me on my cell phone. My cell phone has caller ID. I know you called me. Now, you have forced me to call my voice mail and waste seconds of my life to hear you say that you called me, which I already know.  And, you ask me to call you back. Well, I presumed that you wanted to speak to me regarding something, which is why you called, so one would only think since there is something you wanted to discuss, I should call you back.

Stupid person misuse example number 2: Hey, blah blah blah for 5 minutes, never get to the point, just pointless rambling, blah blah blah. Call me back.

So now you want me to call you back after you blathered on and on about nothing on my Godforsaken Voicemail because you either have nothing better to do with your time, or you are physically unable to get to your point. Fantastic, I totally look forward to our upcoming conversation. P.S. thanks for wasting 5 minutes of my life.

Stupid Person Misuse Number 3:  Waiting until after the voicemail message until it is in the recording phase to hang up. So now you have just left me a message of you hanging up. Brilliant. Now I get to call my voicemail to hear your phone click. If you’re going to not leave a message (which I prefer by the way) hang up before it starts recording. How about that?

Now let me say, if you are going to use the Voicemail for its intended purposes, to leave me a poignant message that requires no return call because now I have all the pertinent information. Then by all means please feel free to leave me a voice mail. If that is not what’s going to happen, don’t even think about it. Because I am not ashamed to tell you, Voicemails have absolutely lead to the dissolution of some personal friendships. So, if you can not handle this Voicemail responsibility, hang up quickly before it starts recording, it may save our friendship.  Rest assured, I will somehow psychically know to call you back.